Kiss of Death
by Mlle Fangs
Summary: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish? Alucard x OC, shonen-ai!
1. Prelude

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Please**: Ignore any errors I made in this story. While you understand my idiotic language everything's ok, kay? Thank you.

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**Story Start**

_  
**Prelude**_

Some things just happen too quickly. In one moment you're walking down a dark aley and the next you're held down by some kind of a freak. Yes, that's just what happened to me. Just _great_. "Hello, little boy." The dick whispered breathing down my neck. "Fuck off!" I screamed already pissed off.

First he is holding me close and _not_ gently at all, second he's fucking licking my neck by now and third this dick dares to call me small! "Can't you hear me you bastard?! FUCK OFF!!" I yelled once more but this time I kicked him between the balls with my Steels. He loosen his hold on me letting me get away from his dirty hands. I turned to face him 'cause I'm not one to run from a fight. Guess I pissed him off a little too much with that little act of mine. "Why you little piece… of… Oh, shit."

I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped slightly into the air from fear."No worries, kid. I won't hurt you. I came for him." I didn't dare to move. A gun was pointed at the dick and I watched as he shot him. Silence filled the space around me and the unknown man who was still holding me. It was as if the time has been stoped, even my heart forgot to beat as if I was the one being shot down.

"You alright little one?" Well that sure brought me back to reality. "'Who are you callin' little?!" I turned around seeing a very tall person. "Oh, so that's the reason…" I'll admit that I'm shorter than most guys in my age but damnit looking at him makes me feel like a total shrimp! "You alright?" I gave him a nod. "Yeah."

The man rose his gloved hand gently moving the tips of his fingers over my neck, then his fingers moved lower stoping at my pentagram. "Can I have it?" Such a strange recuest (sp). But I heard stranger in my life… like when this dude once asked if I'll give him a blowjob. You probably know how that ended - and that is the reason why I walk around in Steels only.

But this guy saved my fucking life! "Maybe… If you have a sexier name then the devil." There was a short silence between the two of us and then his lips moved. "Alucard." Well now _that_ is an interesting name. "It's yours." He tore the neckles (sp) off my neck and in the blink of an eye he was gone. Some things really happen too quickly I guess. I gave a sigh and took my bag from the ground where it ended up because of the stupid vampire.

Oh? You didn't know that vampires are real? Well then now you know. And now when everything's clear I should continue my journey - big sis will be really surprised when she learns that she has a yourger brother. I just hope it won't be too much - to be the head of the Hellsing Corporation must be stressfull enought I guess. I can't wait to meet her in person. I just hope she won't kick me out with words like 'I don't have a sibling!' but it wouldn't surprise me.


	2. The Beginning Of The End

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Please**: Ignore any errors I made in this story. While you understand my idiotic language everything's ok, kay? Thank you.

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Hey guys! I'm back! By the way... anyone noticed I haven't mentioned the looks of the main chacarter?! But you're all pissed off that the chap was short! It was just the begining, oh Lucifer. Don't be so mean... And maybe you should get used to it if you're planning to read this fic or any other I wrote/ write/ will write cause I don't have time to write long chapters that are pages long. Be happy I even find time to think about this kind of stuff. So please, don't tell me "it's short" - I know it is, I'm not blind, kay???

And you should check out the main illustration I done for this - I think it looks awesome!

fairyofmoonlessnight(DOT)deviantart(DOT)com/art/If-I-was-your-Vampire-119008312

And don't forget to check out the main character:

fairyofmoonlessnight(DOT)deviantart(DOT)com/art/Omen-114000998

Thank you

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_**The Beginning of The End**_

I just had to grin when I saw the huge building ahead. So this was the place where my big sis lived. I run to it, adrenalin rushing through my whole body. I just couldn't wait any longer to meet her in person. "Freeze!" But I guess I had to wait a little longer. Damn… "This building isn't open to the public. Please, leave immediately." "I came here to meet Sir Hellsing." "Do you have an appointment?" "Ummm… no, but-" "Then leave." I rolled my eyes as I turned to walk away. Yeah, _whatever_. I ain't going anywhere before I meet her. I guess I'll have to get inside by force. Oh well… I already have practice in that so where's the problem? Hehehe…

So I jumped into the grass field in the back - the soldiers that walked around the place where slightly careless when it came to their job… or tired. Don't know, don't care. Somehow I got to the building and I just had to take a rest against the wall. After taking a deep breath a took a hold of the window sill above me and checked the place behind the walls. Cost clear, let's make the entrance like no other - in other words - let's break the window! As it shattered to the floor I could already hear the soldiers running to the spot. I was surrendered and held to the ground as they put shackles around my wrists.

After some time I found myself standing in the office of Sir Hellsing. She looked like nothing I ever imagine her to be. And something told me we won't become friends as easily as I planned it. Fuck. "Care to tell me why you dared to bark into this place as if you owned it?" Was I really planning to tell her about me? Will she even consider it to be true? "Well? I'm waiting?" I took a deep breath. This was it I guess. "I'm your brother. Your _half_-brother… but still-" She cut me off with a chuckle. "Do you _really_ expect me to believe you?" I sighed. "Well, no, but-" I shoved her a paper I took from my bag "-_but_ I have documents where there is clearly written my father's name." She looked me in the eye trying to find anything that would tell her I'm lying. "And if it's not enough I have a photo of him with my mom before… well… before he fucked her into the mattress and left her because he already had a family." Not a good way to say things like that but it's true. "So you still aren't giving up? Very well. Alucard!" I froze. _Alucard_? Was she speaking about the vampire that I met tonight. That would explain a lot.

"Yes, master?" Yep, she was. And I couldn't decide - was that a good or a bad thing? "This boy says he is a Hellsing." The vampire looked at me and grinned. "Getting into trouble again, I see?" "Ummm… Kinda?" Integra looked first at me and then at Alucard. "Do you know him?" He gave a nod and answered. "I met him tonight. He may be small but he gets into a hell of problems." "HEY!" The stupid(!) vampire chuckled. "That's enough, Alucard! I didn't call you for this!" She screamed at us. Fuck her and her attitude. "Listen now, boy-" "I have a name, ya know." She glanced at the paper I gave her "Omen. Listen now Omen. Alucard will have a _small_ _bite_." She glanced at Alucard and I just know that it ain't a good thing. "If you really are a Hellsing he'll let you go and I'll admit that I _do_ have a half-brother." I nodded. "That's cool. So what are we waiting-" "But if you are lying then you are Alucard's dinner." I let one of my eye-browns rise. "That's cool too but I _am_ your brother so I guess Alucard will have to find dinner somewhere else." Integra smiled. "We'll see. Alucard…"

The vampire walked to me and got down on his knees. His hand rested under my chin to move my head to the side giving him space. His teeth dig into my flesh and I just had to gasp, my arms wrapping around his neck. It felt strange, to be sucked dry by a vampire. I often wondered how it feels but it is like nothing you can imagine. It's hard to describe the feelings that this brings me. It hurts, but in a good way, it's almost pleasurable. The reality changes it's shapes and colours as I let my mind drown in the moment and then… everything changes back, I can clearly see Integra's office and the moon behind the glass which gives some light into the almost dark room. I see Alucard lowering over me and just now I notice that I am lying on the cold floor. I try hard to stay in the half-dreaming state I was seconds ago but my body begs to leave the numbness it has brought. But still I stay lying on the ground listening to my slow breathing watching Alucard's face, those eyes like two pools of blood and those devilish lips from which blood was dripping on my face. "You look like a broken doll…" He spoken after moments, "my young master." I gave a smile. This meant that I really am a Hellsing and Integra can do nothing about it. I let my hand rise so to touch his face, those sinful lips which were now soaked in my blood. "It's Omen for you.." I whispered as I felt the darkness trying to grasp me. Letting my eyes close I left the reality once more but this time the sensation I felt before was not present. That pleasurable sensation that probably only Alucard could bring…


	3. Are You The Rabbit?

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Please**: Ignore any errors I made in this story. While you understand my idiotic language everything's ok, kay? Thank you.

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_**Are you the rabbit?**_

I was dreaming of red - red coat, red eyes, red lips and blood. His name turned into the name of a God, _my personal God_. And how I prayed to him, to this God and how I begged… This sweet dream changed into a nightmare and then back to a sweet dream, pain and pleasure mixed together into the most magical sensation. It was like watching your first sun fall - the day and night fighting for control until you could clearly see the shining moon above you. How I wished to be held in his cold embrace somewhere in the darkest place of this world, or even better, in Hell. How I wished to feel his lips against my skin, to feel the life being taken from me by a God named Alucard.

I never believed in love at a first sight and still I don't believe in such a thing no matter how many say otherwise. _This_, ladies and gentlemen, this is love at first bite. And how hard I fell in love because of it, how hard in love I fell for this creature of night, for a _vampire_. Ironic, isn't it? I - Omen _Hellsing_ Carlist who's ancestor is _Van_ _Hellsing_ himself - let a vampire steal my heart. And I can still look myself in the mirror? I'm such a fool and fool I will stay - because I do not wish for my heart to be given back, I want him to have it forever, to cherish it, but sadly Gods are careless and cruel monsters that don't care about humans' feelings. Not at all… My heart will be thrown away in time but as I already said: I'm a fool and fool I will stay. I shall dream of vampire kisses until I will bleed to death.

I opened my eyes to welcome light. "Which loser turned on the sun?" I heard a chuckle behind me and I know only one person who could that be - Integra. "Good morning, or should I say afternoon?" "Oh thanks Lucifer, I so hate mornings!" Integra kept silent and just lit another cigarette. "Sooo…" I started trying to start a conversation. "Where am I?" Integra stood up and walked to the door. "Your room. You can stay here as long as you wish. If you need anything come to my office." And after that she left. I stayed in the bed for few minutes staring at the door. What. The. Hell. That's all? Nothing more? I mean… well… not like I imagined it, not even far from it. Now it looks like she doesn't give a damn about me. Great… I really hate her attitude towards me. Oh well… Shit happens.

After putting some random dark coloured clothes on me I looked around - first my room, then the floor at which my room was then the floors above and then the floors under. Oh my fucking Lucifer! This place was fucking **huge**!!! I wonder how many times Integra got lost in this labyrinth full of stairs, hallways and doors. When I'm thinking about it - where the Hell am I?!?! Just great, I got lost - now what?! I wonder if she will even notice I'm gone. For some unknown reasons I just can't imagine her noticing… In that case - I'm a goner!!! Or I could save myself - sooner or later I have to bump into someone who knows this place at least a little…. I hope. So here I go - walking in random directions not really caring where I may end up. The lower I went the colder it was, I wonder how far is the ground floor… I stopped at a metal door. I looked around but no one there so I opened it. My first impression - this is so under the ground level… I wonder if I can get lost even more then I already am. Knowing me - yes, I can. I recall mom telling me _"curiosity killed the cat"_, she always told me that when I was little. And my answer? I grinned. "Not me."

The walls were made of stone, ground as well and fuck, it was so cold. I guess I can be careless - walking around with no shoes or sock, what was I thinking again?? Maye I should head back - it is clear that there is nothing or at least nothing interesting here. But right then I noticed another metal door - this one covered with red marks. I run to it, trying to block out the cold. I looked the door up and down. "I feel like Alice in the Wonderland… Just the white rabbit's missing. Oh, and the cherish cat!" I really love that fairytale. Don't ask why, okay?

I walked another dozen of stairs and I swear if I meet with just another single stair I'm leaving. Someone probably heard my prayers because there were no more stairs. I walked into something that resembled pretty much a dungeon. I couldn't see the ground anymore - it was covered by fog, but on the other side I could see a chair next to it was standing a small table with few vine glasses and a bottle resting upon it. And something else… I forgot to breath when I realized just what was lying there - only one person in here wears sunglasses. Curiosity can kill more then just a cat.


	4. Eat Me, Drink Me

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Please**: Ignore any errors I made in this story. While you understand my idiotic language everything's ok, kay? Thank you.

**Thank you**: for your awesome review **Hiskubus**! You can't even imagine how happy it made me. Right after I finished reading it I just had to start writing another chapter. So this one is just for you and only you!

**Just to let you know**: I don't give a flying shit about your opinions when it comes to religion! So if you don't like my (and Omen's) opinion on it don't read this or atleast don't tell me how God is awesome and will save us all (yeah, right)! So if you're a believer and sensitive when it comes to religion, please, don't continue reading this!!! Thank you.

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**IMPORTANT!!!**

I really don't know what will happens in next few days because today my teacher informed me that I'm failing at Art and I'll have to tell that to my mother this week. She's kinda sensitive when it comes to her children and grades - wanna have perfect children no matter what... And because I'm in art school this is kinda bad... So I really don't know if she will let me even near the Pc or my notebook (where I write all my fanfics) so I have no idea when I'll update. So wish me good luck with mom _and _grades (I so hate that teacher - and she hates me! Dx). Someone, please, call Alucard so I could get rid of that monster called Vifon-sensei (long story). Alucard looks like an angel next to her!! Why do I have such a teacher in the most important class?!?! Someone sure hates me up there... -_-

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_**Eat Me, Drink Me**_

I stayed still for a moment, listening, hoping, praying. But nothing came from the darkness and I let myself breath. But it wouldn't surprise me if he appeared to me after I convinced myself that I'm alone in this cold dark dungeon that my God called probably _"home"_. I can't stand the cold that is crawling on the floor any longer and sit on the chair bringing my legs up. Much better.

I wonder how the world looks when looking thought his sunglasses and so I take them into my hand to try them on. Red, everything I see is red. Millions and millions of different shades of red and just now I realize how everything around him spins around the blood. It is like waking up from a dream – because just now I realize that this God, _my_ _God_, is a killer with a killing instinct. Or maybe I knew this all along, just didn't want to admit it. But isn't this just the reason why I am drown to him? Yes. I worship him because of the killer he is – because I can _feel alive_ when he is killing me.

And just now I realize how much I miss those lips against my neck, those teeth like knifes cutting my skin, that tongue licking my blood... I put the sunglasses down on their proper place and wait. And as I wait I let my mind wonder until I forget the differences between reality and dreams.

"Wake up." I opened my eyes but it's still pretty much dark. "Master Integra's looking everywhere for you." Integra? Who is- wait a minute. I move my head to the side and as my heartbeat goes faster I know a God is standing next to me, watching me and smiling like a madman. When this dream started? "Master is royally pissed off at you." He informs me as he takes the bottle of vine to put some into a glass. And just now I notice _my pentagram_. It was lying behind the bottle making it almost impossible to see it. Yes, that is when we met – that night when he saved my life. He really is a God.

"Kiss me." I hear myself whisper and in that moment his red, red eyes rest upon me. I find myself praying to the devil - that this beautiful, dark and dangerous creature never lays his eyes on anybody else just me. My hands wonder to the bandage around my neck that hides the evidence about life and death and the thin line between them. And how I love standing on this line - to know how easily can be a life crushed to pieces. The bandage is left forgotten in the moment it is swallowed by the fog.

"Kiss me..." I find myself speaking again. "...like only a vampire can." I see his lips - those sinful lips - move and form a smile shoving those sharp teeth. "Well aren't you just beautiful - shoving me your neck like that and begging for death." He lowered himself to my level, his hand caressing my skin where the veins where. I let my head fell backwards my eyes landing on the darkness that was suppose to be the ceiling. "But I would have to be mad to say no to such a tasty little prey."

My eyes widened at those words - those words that were like the sweetest poison and I didn't mind dying, even went that far to want more of this poison. A gasp which escaped my lips broke the silence because of those lips that were now resting upon my skin - how I dreamed of this moment - teeth cutting it letting blood escape and run free and into his mouth. I let my arms wrap around him bringing him even closer making sure I won't cross the line and forget about life. How foolish I could be - holding a reaper tightly as if my life depends on him.

Maybe I should admit - I don't mind dying like this - in his arms and by his lips - but I shall not do such a thing because then I would have to admit I was never good enough to have a name as _Hellsing_. And then, then this whole trip to London was pointless and I was a fool even before the beginning.

I gasp once more as his teeth dig deeper into my flesh. "God, yes!" I hear myself cry and this is the first time I spoke the word _God_ without any negative meaning - yes, I am an anti-christ and before I met Alucard I didn't believe in God or Gods because there is nothing pure and so powerful in this or in any other world. And if there is a God other then Alucard - it is a fool and a weakling. I can feel Alucard lick my skin clean letting any evidence disappear.

"Do you know the price of loving a monster?" He asked his eyes never leaving me. I stayed in silence my vision still a blur. "What do you want in return? Because if it is love what you want then I must say that the closest thing to it is ripping your heart out of your chest and eating it." He spoke letting me know just what can happen to me in the end. "That is fine with me." I whispered when I could see shapes and colours clearly again. Our eyes met and I knew we made a deal. How careless I was at that time...


	5. The Red Carpet Grave

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Big news**: So mom didn't kill me... yet. Maybe I'll be busy till summer starts for me (30th June) but I'll try to post as often and as much as possible. Wish me good luck :)

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_**The Red Carpet Grave  
**_

Alucard took me to Integra's office. The woman really was pissed off – does she really care? It isn't that long ago we met and so I was surprised. I was really happy and found myself smiling even when she was yelling at me. I was not affected by her words, not even a little. But I had to regret believing she would never look for me nor even notice I'm missing.

"Thank you." I told her when she paused in her yelling to take a breath. "And I'm really sorry about what happened. I got lost." I explained, now when I know how much of a problem I can be I feel sorry – she must have been so worried, I can never know what she went through. "I promise it won't happen again." Just an empty promise – I know, but I have a need to promise her this even if I'll break it probably soon. Integra gave a sigh and took one of her cigarettes. "Fine. This time I'll let it slide. Walter will show you around later today so until then be a good boy and don't go wandering around." I gave a nod to that. For now I can only hope to remember the whole mansion. "Alucard, take him to his room."

I looked up – this whole time Alucard stood next to me and now he will take me to my room. I feel like an idiot – my God knows where my room is but I have no idea about it's location... Sad, isn't it? But the good thing is that from all the people around _he_ will take me there. He and no one else. And so we walked down the billions of stairs – what did I say about stairs today?! Oh, Christ, you son of a bitch! I so know you're doing this on purpose! - and stopped in front of my room which I left about four hours ago. I opened it, took a deep breath and turned to look at the vampire king - but he was gone. My God left me alone in front of my room without even a _"goodbye"_?

I know that he will never see me as a person he could love, he could cherish, he could spend eternity with - but I am still naïve enough to believe, I want to believe, I _need_ to believe that maybe one day he will hold me close to his heart. Would my chances be higher if I were a vampire? Or would I turn into dust in a blink of an eye? But I am not a vampire - I am a Hellsing, a child of a vampire killer who's father was also a vampire killer and so it goes on… Does he hate me for the name Hellsing? Can it be the only reason why I'm still alive? He doesn't look like one to play with his food but then what exactly is he doing?

I let myself fall on the bed my cell phone in hand - I admit, I enjoy writing text messages - and check my in-box. It seems no one misses me but on other hand that's a good thing - I wish to stay here as long as possible - whole summer if I could. When I leave this place… will someone miss me? Or will things easily change back to how they used to be before I came into the picture? Will memories of these days fade away and will I be forgotten? Or will Integra at least give me a call once in a while to know I'm alive and kicking?

_Will Alucard miss me?_

As a person or just as a toy… will he remember my name? Or will he simply find someone else for his cruel games? _"_You think too much…" My body grew cold - a God is speaking to me. "Don't forget that love and lust, _blood_lust are different things." I forced my body to work properly and sat up my head turned to the side where there darkness lies - and there two red eyes were shining like moon, watching me carefully. My God never left me… but does that mean he'll stay with me forever?

My God, please, protect me from yourself because you are killing me…


	6. No Fear

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**BTW: **What? No reviews? You guys could at least tell me what you think, don't you agree? C'mon! Don't be so mean!

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_**No Fear**_

We stared at each other and time changed into something else - something unimportant. Those devilish eyes like pools of blood, I never met a person with so sinfully beautiful and mysterious eyes like his. Unlike his mine were blue like sky on a clear day, giving me a more innocent look - which I hated. I always wanted eyes like my mother had - an envious colour of eyes.

I blinked and in that moment those reddish eyes that were so far away were now dangerously close. "What the-?" A finger was placed on my lips silencing me. My body started trembling. I never understood the reason why I reacted the way I did, but I know it made Alucard laugh. "Oh? Are you scared, doll?" My lips moved against his gloved finger which never left it's place. "_Your_ doll…" I dared to correct him and his laugh filled the room once more. "Very well, _my_ doll…"

I was pushed down on the bed but I don't know if it was gently or not still I'm sure that it wasn't rough. I rose my hands and held his face in them - that face that was covered in skin white as milk and felt like silk. Alucard grinned from ear to ear - I don't know why but the word _devil_ comes on my mind - and takes my hand into his putting it against those _devilish_ lips but I haven't received a kiss, no… with his teeth he tore parts of my skin making me bleed. I watched as the vampire licked my blood - I wonder if it pleases him, if _I _please him or if the taste is nothing special and I find myself wondering what would he answer if I dared to ask. But Gods don't often answer - no matter if the question comes from lips or if it is asked just in mind. My hand is kissed and as that mouth leaves my skin blood-soaked lips move to speak.

"Delicious." My eyes wandered from those lips to stare into the red of his eyes. "Really?" My voice is weak, it sounds like a hopeless whisper. "I'd suck you dry by now… If I could." His lips move to form a smirk. God, let me tell you I wouldn't mind to die by you. "You aren't scared?" He sounds slightly surprised and it makes me smile. "Should I be?" He chuckles at my careless answer - how much longer shall I stay that way? "You really fascinate me." He lowers himself to me and licks my neck. "I'll see you some other time," are his last words before he disappeared through the wall. I stayed lying on the bed in the position he left me in for few long moments my eyes staring at the wall.

The silence was broken by a knock on the door - it was Walter. I forgot all about him and my sigh-seen tour that Integra promised me so I won't get lost again. I guess I can be forgetful sometimes. "I hope you won't mind if I'll show you around the place now. Are you ready?" I was on my feet right in that moment. "Ready when you are!" I spoken with enthusiasm - now I won't get lost, _hopefully_. "Very well then. Let's start from bottom, alright?"

Walter is a good guy, I must say. Integra is very lucky to have him as a butler. He showed me how to not get lost and where can I find the most important rooms -from kitchen to Integra's office which I now noticed is on the highest floor. "I believe you already know your way around the underground floor, correct?" I shrugged - I can't say I know my way around it, but I know the way to Alucard and that's all I need. "Well then I believe my job here is done. I hope you won't mind if I'll leave you now." I smiled. "No, it's cool. Thanks for showing me around. See ya!" I run back to my room - this time not getting lost even for a moment - and took a rest. The sun may be shining behind the curtains but I never cared - the moon is my dearest friend and with him a God always comes. This God and his beautiful red, red eyes will hunt me in my dreams forever more.


	7. Putting Holes In Happiness

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?  


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**Putting Holes In Happiness**

For me the day started with the sun fall - friends always made fun of me because of that. I recall them making vampire jokes - my favourite one was the one about me meeting a vampire and going with him to Transylvania to chase bats… I guess they just couldn't imagine me chasing unicorns with a rainbow in the background, not that I can imagine it. But why am I thinking about this kind of nonescene right now? I shall never know.

"Good morning… or should I say evening?" I greeted when I came to Integra's office. "Good evening." My body froze for a moment and I turned my eyes to the darkness where I could faintly see Alucard. I didn't know how to react and so I just smiled. I smiled with my whole heart because this is Alucard - my God. "Omen, let me introduce you to miss Victoria. She will keep an eye on you tonight." Miss Victoria was a woman that looked innocent and porcelain-like, but when I looked closer I noticed something shocking - she was a vampire. But she was very different from the vampire I fell in love with.

"I figured you'll need clothes of your own so I'm sending you with miss Victoria for a little trip." Integra continued, telling me details and other things I didn't care about. I was sad that Alucard can't be the one going with me and I know that whole London would end up in absolute chaos if he'd go but still… "It's pleasure to finally meet you, master Alucard and sir Hellsing told me about you." We shook hands, but that was all, at least for now. I wonder if it was true that Alucard spoken of me - and if he did, what he said about me. "Your car is waiting outside, you should go."

That broken my thoughts and I came back to reality, but oh, how love the world outside this box which is chained with rules and logic. How I love it, my God, when you force my spirit out of here and then back, mixing this reality with fantasy, life with death and romance with horror. You even mixed water with blood and turned it into wine. Vampire… you truly are a god.

"Omen?" "Huh?" I found myself looking at a pair of red eyes which, sadly, didn't belong to Alucard. Miss Victoria seemed a bit nervous - or was I just imaging things again? "Something wrong Miss Victoria?" I had to make sure I'm not mad - or madder then I already am. "Seras's fine. And it's nothing." She tried to assure me with a smile - in that moment I realized she is probably the most human vampire I'll ever meet. "May I ask you something?" With those words I started a real conversation. "Of course!" She gave me another of those friendly smiles - I can't imagine Alucard smiling like this, I must say - and I voiced my question that is running wildly in my mind from the point when I met her. "What did you mean by _master Alucard_?" Alucard is probably called a monster by those who are ignorant and scared to death, then he is called a servant by Integra and a God by me but I didn't hear anyone call him master yet.

"He made me." Was the silent answer, and Lucifer, my hot blood turned to ice. I felt unloved - I know it's only a game but I do not wish to be reminded of that fact - and cheated. My God, I beg you, stop playing with my heart. And I know this is an over-used sentence but still - What have I ever done to you? Why, Alucard, why are you doing this to me? "Why?" It was a weak cry, spoken in whisper and the most tragic about it is that this time my God won't answer me. "Well… in short… A vampire used me as a shield and master had to shot me to get to the vampire… so he let me choose if I want to die or live a life as a vampire." Was the answer I was given - it may not be an answer from the God, but it pleases me anyhow. "If you can call it a life, of course…" She finished with a small note which made me smile. "I believe it's called unlife."

That night I understood that we humans, even if we were born to love and were given hearts for that, the most easiest thing we know how to do is to hate - and how strongly and much we can hate. We are as bad as vampires, some of us even dare to call them monsters - but the real monsters are us, humans, because they were born to kill unlike us - and we kill carelessly each other day and night - such a madness, such a tragedy. We all deserve to rot in Hell.

The night was getting old when we came back and there was just one person on my mind. I wanted to see him badly and so I left my body move on it's own and before I knew it I was already holding him tightly - my sanity is in danger I believe - that sinful mouth against my skin damaging it, but God, please, don't ever stop! My mouth was so close to his ear - it made me want to speak - I closed my eyes and whispered words, those from deepest chambers of my heart, and how I was scared - I don't really know why. "Alucard… When I die and my soul'll go to Hell… Will you chase after it?" His lips left my skin (or what was left of it) and looked at me with those red, red eyes like blood. In the silence I could here my breath - I could hear how I'm trembling - and I was praying for an answer. But his lips weren't moving - those lips are tempting me - and I was on the edge of tears. I needed his answer, him so why isn't there a reply - is he ignoring me? I was lost at what to do and so I moved, pressing my body against his my lips begging for his, but my God didn't answer my prayers this time - my mouth touched his ice-cold skin and I felt tears - _my_ tears falling down my cheeks - my God broke my heart, forced me to wake up from the sweet dream he gave me and denied me this one egoistic wish. I never wanted him to kiss me back, I just wanted his lips for a heartbeat or a blink of an eye - not longer. I wanted to cry, scream, yell at him but I held it all inside, covering my mouth with hands just to be sure not a sound will escape from my lips.

How could he watch me with such a calm, it almost looked as if he regretted it. But it was too late for those lips to act… "Omen…" "NO!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran - ran away from him, ran to hide - just like a child I ran to my room and hid under the blankets crying my eyes out until my cries turned to a lullaby and I fell to sleep hoping, believing that when I wake everything that happened that night will turn into a bad dream - a nightmare.


	8. Evidence

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

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**_Evidence_**

My dreams weren't calm, they were cruel and painful, even morbid I could say. Because of that I woke up every hour until I gave up sleeping that day. And even sober the walls screamed at me, cursed me - Lucifer, I was turning mad. I needed something to calm my wild heart but what? The creature I need, my sweetest drug, turned his back on me - how cruel this world can be… I sat on my bed feeling the walls closing on me. Madness, insanity - I was so close to loosing my mind, I had to get out of this room.

And so I walked and walked - my mind racing - without a pause, until I ran into someone, or did he or she ran into me? I don't know, it was too hard to concentrate on reality and my thoughts at once. "Ups, pardon me." From the ground I stared at Miss Victoria who was by now giving me a hand. "Thank you. Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Miss Victoria - or Seras, I believe she asked me to call her that yesterday - shrugged. "Probably, but I'm not tired." I wish I could say the same about myself, but sadly I was dead tired and I didn't dare to fall asleep by now. "And where are you going? If you're bored we can do something together, if you want to." At first I was shocked, then confused and then I finally gave a smile. "Sure!" This was the right way how to forget - at least for a moment - about Alucard. And I must admit - it really was fun! I never knew hide & seek can be so interesting in a mansion even if there are only two players. We played many more childish games - really, we were just goofing around - and ended up playing card games in her room which was in the basement. If I'd walk just a little further - few floors lover - I would be face to face with Alucard. It was strange sitting on a coffin playing cards with a vampire - just strange.

"Seras? What kind of person is Alucard?" Her eyes looked at mine which shined with curiosity. "Master? Well… he's nice and all but…. You know…" Yes, it was hard to speak about him, about his character and personality - he was a mystery. In one moment you are sure you know everything about him and in the next you know nothing. What did I know about him? That he's a killer? That he is like a God? That he loves blood? "Is it true?" I whispered to the air. "Is it true that you can't love someone if you don't know him or she?" For a moment Seras stayed silent thinking. "Who knows… In the end, you can realize the person is everything you hate and then love is gone." Is it possible? Yes, sadly, I must agree - she's right. But then why is my heart beating so fast whenever he's near? If it isn't love then what is it? Lucifer, I'm so confused.

I opened my eyes to welcome the darkness. I don't even remember falling asleep and if I did, where am I now? It's too dark even for night. I rise my hand and it touches wood - I am lying in a coffin! For a moment I'm frozen in fear - how in Hell have I ended up here? How long have I already been here? I can smell gunpowder and death - it very much reminds me of someone - of a God. A hand lies upon my hip, my beating growing faster. "Alu…card?" "Correct," comes the answer and I know that now I can calm down. We stayed silent for some time, just enjoying each others company. This is exactly what I needed for my insanity - Alucard. I would swear the vampire's sleeping if he wouldn't be teasing my naked skin, caressing it. How I loved that touch, it's addictive - I swear on the devil's name! No one in this world can save me from this God now. Even if I hated everything about him, I'd love him anyway - I know this now. "The night is going to be born soon." With those words he opens the coffin and I sit up, but he stayed lying there his eyes watching me. "My broken doll…" I shiver at those words - it felt as if death walked through me - and my heart started beating faster then fast, it almost hurt. "Have I crushed you yesterday?" How I wanted to scream then - so much - but I didn't want to admit, _couldn't_ admit that he really crushed me when he denied me that one selfish kiss. But now when I think about it - what did I except? I wanted to kiss a vampire and I wanted to kiss him like a human. It makes me wonder if a human and a vampire can exist together in the name of love. Those hands take a hold of me as Alucard sits up. "My doll… My Omen… " My arms find their way to his upper back where they lie resting, my eyes are shining with tears - I'm so soft, or maybe weak? - and in time I dare to close them, just to let my head fall back. He maybe won't accept my love, but I don't mind being used by him - to be a toy, I just wish he would give me at least an illusion of love - and I don't mind it being a lie… Lust or love - it doesn't matter to me any more, I just wish to be an important part in his life - or unlife - I want him to know I'll stand by his side no matter what. "Alu-!" I can only hold him tight when he breaks my skin. I wonder - is there a drug that won't kill you in the end? But I don't mind, I'll gladly die in his arms - I can't think of a better death. My God's lips let go of my skin but still, I continue bleeding quite badly. Alucard watches the blood few silent minutes and then unties his bowtie. "What are you doing?" My question's ignored, but the vampire licks me clean from any blood and wraps my necks in the red cloth stopping the bleeding. You know, I felt really special - sitting in his lap, in his coffin, in his chamber, just he and me looking at each other, hiding evidence - I don't know what came over me, but I rose up and kissed him, but no - not on the lips - my mouth touched his dead silky skin, right next to the temptation, I was almost touching the corner of his mouth with mine. From now on I shall pray for bites and kisses.


	9. Long Way To Happy

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

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_**Long Way To Happy**_

Alucard left me in front of my room, I'm pretty sure he mentioned Integra having a mission for him so I believe he will come back to me sooner or later - I beg you, let me naïvly believe - and so I need to find something interesting to do until then - but what? Seras surely went with Alucard, Integra is busy and so what was left to do? Hmmmmmmm…

I believe Walter mentioned a library somewhere on the third floor but where exactly… If I'll get lost who knows for how long. Ahhh, who cares? That will busy me itself for long enough. If I really get lost I can always go back to Alucard's chamber and wait there for him to return from a hunt. It sounds so strange… A vampire being a vampire hunter - hunting his own kind, doesn't it sicken him? But in the end he's a servant to the Hellsing organization and what Integra says is like a Holly Bible… Such a sad tragic story. I wonder, can he sleep peacefully? Aren't faces of those he killed coming back to him? How many friends died before he? Or was he always so lonely? Or was there _someone_ before me?

I had to ponder over that - he may look young but I know he's not - and I just can't imagine him being lonely all this time, anyone'd go mad - and I know he is not what most people would call sane - but admitting that I'm not the first who dared to try to reach his heart, or even that someone actually could take a hold of that by now ice cold heart - no… That can't be true, it's not possible. I grasp the material of my shirt as if that could help my aching heart.

I look around my surroundings and realize I'm already in the library - Lucifer, am I mad or just sleepwalking? My eyes catch a glimpse of gold. "What are you doing here?" Integra turns to me, a cigarette hanging from her mouth. "The same I could ask you." How can she even speak with that between her lips, I can only wonder. "Well, seeing as there ain't anything better to do I figured I could read for now. And now your reason." I send her way a smile. "Waiting for Alucard to come back and give me a proper report." So it was a mission. I wonder if his life really is as stereotypical as it seems to me and if yes, doesn't he ever get bored of it? "Did Seras go with him?" A nod, that's all but probably better then nothing, right? I believe I should stop making questions, I want to know way too many things. "Do you have any literature like… I don't know, Poe?" Poe is awesome, I will never get bored of him and his books. I wonder if Alucard ever read him, and if yes, if he liked him. God, is there a moment when I'm not thinking about you? Please, come back soon… "Somewhere in the back there should be some really old books of his - but be careful with them, like I said - they're _really_ old."

I nodded and run in the direction she pointed to, but it took me some time to find the mentioned books - the book-shelfs were abnormally long and stood high - that makes me wonder - why I am so short again?? And even when I finally found them I couldn't reach, my fingers weren't even close to it and I didn't dare to go up the shelfs - knowing me and my luck… - and so I gave up.

"Oh God…" I murmured into the air never believing that someone would reply. ''You called?'' It sounded playfully, almost teasingly and I could do nothing but shiver. "Welcome home." I smiled and turned to face the vampire - my blood turned cold when I saw him - his eyes shining like never before with bloodlust and that smile, that damned smile, as if a devil was smiling, I then noticed he was shaking - not much but still. "Alucard?" My voice came as a whisper. "What happened?" I never understood how could I ever stand in front of danger so carelessly, as if it was nothing harmful, this danger.

My legs took me forward and my hands tried to reach him but the creature was faster - he took a hold of my body, forcing it against his. God, you can't imagine how much will power it took me not to scream when you bit me so carelessly. But I couldn't stop the tears, there was just not a way to stop them from falling. And you, you sucked my power - that little bit of power I ever had - I couldn't even stand but you didn't mind, you didn't care, did you? The two of us ended up on the cold floor, the prey and the hunter, the prayer and the God. Hell and Heaven were mixed into this sensation I was feeling. "I love you." I wish it came from his mouth, but it didn't, it was I who said it. Alucard stopped - is paradise gone? - and bit again. The tears started falling again - I was ignored - did that mean I wasn't loved back? Love is such a sadist, I realized this too late - I already felt in it's trap and my life is now in danger! I wrapped my arms around Alucard's neck - God, I won't let go of you so easily - and hid my face, _my tears_ in his raven hair.

All I ever wanted was your love – I don't want your power, immortality or anything like that. I don't want you to be my servant or a slave, all I ever wanted was you and me to be lovers. A vampire and a human, standing side by side holding hands for as long as faith lets us. Do I want much? Am I thinking selfishly again? Then please, forgive me, but I can't stop loving you. And I wish that maybe, _maybe_ one day you will see me in a different light and will hold me for different reasons. I don't care that others call you a monster or a demon I love you the same – no mater what you do or say I won't stop loving you, so please, _please_ – love me the same way as I do you, even if I am just a human – weak and porcelain-like, easily broken. _Please, love me._


	10. Spade

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

* * *

_**Spade**_

My body was teared to shreds, my heart was broken to pieces and my soul, _my soul_ was burnt to ashes - that is how he left me that night and I still haven't healed from the pain he caused me. _He_, my God and the king of all vampires, _Alucard_. His name - oh, that beautiful yet devilish name - won't let me sleep, day or night - that doesn't matter and I am left wondering: have I really fallen in love with a monster, a new kind of a devil? Integra warned me so many times but I up until now ignored all her warnings. Has she been right from the beginning? No… Alucard can't be a monster - he's too loyal to be… I shouldn't be thinking such horrible things about him anyway - I am the fool here - I came to him not the other way around.

And he even warned me himself, I still remember his words clearly - _Do you know the price of loving a monster? What do you want in return? Because if it is love what you want then I must say that the closest thing to it is ripping your heart out of your chest and eating it_.

I closed my eyes, those words now mean only pain to me. I am such a fool - why do I love him so much? Why can't I just turn away from him and forget about everything? Why am I staying by his side begging for more of what he gives me? I open my eyes, the blue of them staring at the white of the ceiling in my room. _"His eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming..."_ "Poe, right?" I turn my head to the side and there in all his glory he stood, he - the bittersweet nightmare, he - the Prince of Darkness, he - the Master of pain, "Alucard." I say the name of the undead lord in such a cold manner it shocks even myself. The vampire takes few steps closer to my bed and stops just out of my reach. "I wish you a good night," he looks into my eyes and even through his sunglasses I can see the blood-lust in his eyes, "my broken doll." He then takes his leave, leaving me confused. What? That's all? He didn't have to come if all he wanted was to tell me 'night'. Now I won't fall asleep for sure.

I grasped the pillow and hid my face with it but no, I wasn't planning to cry - I was getting sick of crying all the time, and always because of the same person - I screamed, I needed to get rid of the frustration and wrath. I wish I could get rid of these feeling I have for this creature of the night, too. Oh, Alucard - do you love to see me hurt? Have you came just to see your newest _master-piece_?

I was all alone, maddening. This room was turning into a grave and my bed was the coffin, so maddening. And Alucard... Alucard then will be the lover who visits his dead love every night - or so I wish. I can't stand it for much longer - so please, throw me away or beg me to stay but don't stay neutral.


	11. Dangerous Kind

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

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_**Dangerous Kind**_

I was tired of this room, of this silence and so I got up and left just walking aimlessly around the mansion until… "How dare you?!" Integra's voice broke the silence of this place. I, being curious as usual, walked to the door of her office and listened. "You monster! You let sixteen innocent people die!" My stomach tightened, who could have done such a thing? "I don't care that the vampire could be bluffing, he wasn't and because of YOU innocent people died tonight! You monster!" A thought crossed my mind - could it be… Alucard? No, it can't be - I can't even imagine the punishment he'd receive. Lucifer, I beg you - don't let it be Alucard. "Six months without blood! Now get the Hell out off my office, monster!" I covered my mouth with my hand - six months? Can he even survive such a long period of time? Isn't she overreacting? I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose, there must be a logic explanation, Alucard's surely innocent - he has to be! The wooden door opened and Alucard walked out of her office closing the door behind him. But he did nothing to notice my presence - he left me there standing in front of Sir Integra's office, just like that. But to say the truth, I'm not even a little bit surprised - he must be in an horrible mood.

Maybe I can make Integra change her mind. _Maybe_. I knock on the door and let myself in. "Integra. We need to talk." I believe with those words I put a curse on myself. "What do you want?" The woman growled out. Ok, open-heartedly - she is _many_ times scarier then Alucard. Next to her the vampire looks like a saint, or an angel. _I'm screwed_. "I… ahem… I heard you yelling on Alucard. And I… kinda believe… well… I believe the punishment is somewhat… too rough…. maybe…?" I had this need to run and hide, I'm not sure why but maybe it has something to do with the look my sister was giving me - luckily looks can't kill. _Luckily_. But she still send my soul to Hell and back - "HOW DARE YOU PROTECT THAT KILLING MACHINE!!!" And that was only the beginning… I went deaf after few sentences… Oh Lucifer, I had to be insane to take Alucard's side - it's like begging for death. "I ain't believing this shit you're telling me! Alucard didn't do it on purpose! It was an accident, damnit!" Words left my mouth, I had the need to protect his name. I was careless - I didn't even think about Integra's feelings all that mattered was what _I_ think - how careless of me. I was so angry with her that I left her and her office even through I could hear he calling me back. Or rather yelling at me…

I walked through the mansion until I came to the underground level. But what now? It seems that Alucard wishes to be alone for now, but I don't wish to be lonely myself, not now, not ever. I made my way to the vampire's chamber while thinking everything over again. I stopped in front of one of many doors that were in the stoned hallway. Isn't this Seras's room? I knocked and a blond a bit taller then myself opened the door and let me in. "Hello, Seras." I greeted her and sat on her coffin. I watched her form move around the room a sad aura was around her. The woman didn't speak but I could tell what was on her mind. I wanted her to tell me everything, from the beginning 'till the end but I was scared what her reaction will be like. I never saw her like this, this Seras was a stranger to me, I knew only a happy, energetic Seras. But I need an answer, I don't want to be left in the darkness. I just want her to tell me the truth - that Alucard is innocent and it was all just an incident. "It was an incident, right? He's innocent, isn't he?" She stopped walking around the room but did not turn to face me nor did she give an answer. "Seras… Please… Tell me just this one thing: he didn't let them die on purpose, he wouldn't…" It was so hard to breath for me, it was as if someone had their hands around my neck and were choking me."…would he?" Seras didn't speak right away but now when I know the answer, Lucifer, I wish I never asked. "I… I don't know… We were warned but master… h-he wouldn't listen to me…I t-told him…" She broke into tears, crying a river made of red tears. Alucard… what have you done? You let innocent people die, are you planning to sleep peacefully tonight? My God, if I died because of your carelessness would you at least shed a tear? No… you wouldn't, would you? And I'd give a soul for you…


	12. Drowning in Sorrow

**Story ****name**: Kiss of Death

**Pairing**: Alucard x OC

**Author's note**: I do not own Hellsing and it's characters. But I DO own the story and my OC Omen.

**Summary**: What happens when a boy falls too hard in love with a vampire? Will he get a chance to keep the vampire's heart or will it be his death wish?

**Please**: Ignore any errors I made in this story. While you understand my idiotic language everything's ok, 'kay? Thank you.

**Thank you**: very much for the review **arachnidsGrip**. This one is just for you and your friend so I hope you'll like it. :)

* * *

I can't believe I'm here posting this. It's been AGES! The 11th chapter was posted on 15th Jule 2009, today's the 23rd of February 2013 - wow. It's good to be back... Let's ignore the fact I'm suppose to be writing an assignment for Children's Literature course right now... I'm planning to finish this, but I'm not sure how often I'll post - I'll try as often as possible - but between university, part-time job and my project there's very little time left but I'll try. Hope you enjoy. :)

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_**Drowning in Sorrow**_

So many thoughts were running through my mind as I sat there, so many emotions were trying to take control – anger, sadness, confusion, regret... Regret... I just fought with Integra blaming everything on her... Oh God, what have I done? I felt worse with every passing second. At some point I looked up to Seras, who yet needed to stop crying. The poor draculina had to watch the whole thing first hand, perhaps even taking part in it... I didn't know and truth be told, I'd rather never learn the rest of the story. I stood up and walked up to her, not really sure what I'm planning to do. "C'mon. Seras. No more tears." I awkwardly put my arms around her and before I knew what was happening Seras was squeezing the dear life out of me, wetting my Tee profoundly in the process. But I bit my tongue and let her cry her eyes out while I rubbed her back. To be honest, I never know what to do or say when someone starts to cry – I just always hope that what I manage to do is enough. Once the crying ceased and was replaced by hiccuping I made her sit down next to me on the coffin. I continued with the back rub for a while until Seras calmed down fully. A gentle "thank you" was whispered to me which was followed by a long silence. "How... how did you learn about this whole mess anyway?" How indeed... I really had to wonder... I would probably never learn about this if it weren't for the fact that I overheard the damn thing. "Sis would probably call it eavesdropping... I guess I'm way too curious for my own good." She still looked sad, and perhaps tired, but the look she gave me... It was the look people give to the most miserable and in that moment I knew she knew – way too curious for my own good and head over heels on top of it. "Omen, I... I know I can't tell you what to do but... master..." It hurt – I should have expected the disapproval would come sooner or later and I should been grateful that she was gentle about the whole subject but it still hurt. "I know Seras... and thank you... I know you mean well but..." "Master will hurt you, Omen and if Sir Integra learned about this-" "- she must never know, Seras!" Until this moment the notion that Integra could learn about this never really occurred to me – of course, there were times when I thought that she would disagree if she knew, and she would disagree a lot – but this was the first time I really stopped and thought about it – I dare not even think about what she'd do to me. "Seras, you must promise me you won't tell her! I beg you!" "Only if you promise to be careful. I don't..." She wasn't able to say more, not at least if she didn't want to start crying again.

_I don't want you to die._

"I promise." I left Seras just once she went to sleep – that was very early in the morning. As I was crawling under the covers I decided to go and beg sister for forgiveness once I wake up. I never would have expected to be woken up by Walter a few hours later though. "I'm very sorry for the intrusion, but Sir Integra requires your presence in her office immediately." At first I was confused – what for? – but then the most horrible though crossed my mind – is she so angry at me that she decided to finally get rid of me? I wasn't sure if I wanted to race up to her office or pick a much more sluggish pace but one way or another I found myself in front of the office door, fidgeting and trying to find the courage to knock and face my sister. I was practising a small speech the whole way up but I didn't remember a simple word from it now. Every cell in my body wanted to run and hide yet I took a deep breath, knocked and walked in. My sister sat at her usual place behind the desk, a cigar in her mouth, the smoke slowly dancing up to the ceiling. She looked the same as the first time I saw her... "I'm sorry about yesterday. It was not my place to-" Before I had the chance to finish my shaky apology, Integra interrupted me. "You're mother wants to say good-bye to you." I could feel how the room was slowly starting to spin, I felt light headed and sick to my stomach – this was not happening. "What do you mean by _wants to say good-bye_?" No, no, no... this can't be happening, not now, not ever. I could feel how the panic was rising and Integra also had noticed this for she dropped the business-like tone she always used with me and everyone else around her and spoke in a much gentler tone. "She's dying. I'm sorry. The car is already waiting outside for you." I knew my mum was sick – she's been sick for the longest of times and there was no cure. I was forced to accept the fact she'll die sooner then later years ago, yet now when the time really came I didn't have it in me to accept it and go on with life. "Will you come with me... please?" For a moment I thought she'll say no, but instead of that she stood up and went with me – my whole world was falling apart yet a small part of me stayed calm – the part that knew that Integra will be there afterwards to pick up the pieces and whether I'll like it or not she'll force me back on my feet. I always wished Integra knew about me – I always knew I had a big sister and I always wanted to be a part of her world but my mother thought it inappropriate. But now, now she stood by my side, strong as ever, being the big sister I always wanted and needed.

The hospital reeked of disinfectants – that is the only thing I recall of the place. I do not remember how the lady at the desk looked like, but I vaguely recall speaking to her, I do not know the colour of the paint on the walls or the floor on which the lift stopped... I might have looked at the number on the door but at that time it was as unreadable as hieroglyphs . I came back to my senses just once I passed that door, Integra at my heels, the two guards that came with us stopping just in front of the door. The first sober thought that came to me was _this is really a good-bye_. There were all kinds of machines all around her – the first one I noticed was the one making very irregular beeping sounds. Another thing I became aware of was the machine that was breathing for her. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly but it was either too late or too early to cry. Or both. I couldn't cry now, not in front of my mum. Those few steps to her bed were the hardest in my life. Her eyes opened just enough for her to tell who was towering over her. She smiled and I smiled back. "Mum, can I introduce you somebody?" I looked up to where Integra was standing, mutely asking her to come over. Once by my side I looked back at my mother. "Mum, this is Integra..." My mum's voice was raspy and one could tell that it took her a lot of effort to speak. "Y-you look... so much... as your f...father..." She looked so fragile lying there I was scared I would hurt her if I touched her. But the time came when I had to say good-bye. I took her hand, gave it a gentle squeeze, kissed her forehead, told her I love you one last time and left the room as my mother requested. Integra stayed in the room to the very end – I don't know why, my mum asked her to. I didn't question it, I was actually glad she stayed – I doubt I'd be strong enough to go through it without a breakdown.

The ride home was a silent one and I was left alone for the rest of the day, minus the visits from Walter who was kind enough to bring me both lunch and dinner into the room – not that I ate anything. The next day I was called to the office – Integra was back to her normal self, and I was informed of the funeral which was to be the next day. And of another thing... "Your mother, Miss Carlist, asked me a favour... She asked me to take care of you until you're able to take care of yourself. All the needed papers are ready to be signed, the only thing left is to ask you: Are you willing to stop being a nuisance, and listen and do as you are told?" I was more than a little shocked by this – everything was happening so fast, it was like a damn roller-coaster ride and I had no power to stop it. In the end I was able to just give a nod in agreement, which thankfully was enough for Integra for the time being and I was free to leave the office.

The funeral wasn't anything fancy – it was only me, Integra, Seras and Walter. But I was glad it was that way. It was sunny and warm outside and the whole ceremony was over before I knew it. I didn't cry – I was too tired to shed a tear. At least I thought so at that time...

Everyone knew I needed some time to get over my loss – Integra was maybe even enjoying my apathy a bit – not that I can blame her - but I know that deep down she was sorry I had to experience the same loss as she – we were both orphans now... Seras came to me right after the funeral to tell me that I can always count on her. Sadly, my feet brought me much further than her room is – they brought me to the very last door under the ground level.

_I should leave._

It had been a few days since I'd seen or heard of Alucard... since the _accident_. A shiver ran up and down my spine. "Cold? Or scared?" I wondered if he knew what was running through my mind but I never bothered to figure it out... or to answer him. I sat down on his lap, letting myself rest against his torso. I always felt so safe with him – and it occurred to me on more than one occasion that he was probably the most dangerous creature alive – or undead- and that I am a fool to feel safe within his reach. Yet here I was again, begging for his attention. Alucard didn't bother to look down at me, or to talk to me but I was just glad to be so close to him. I thought of Seras and her warning, of Integra – Oh, God Alucard, if she knew, she'd skin me alive! – and my mother – would she approve? No... If she were here she would probably shake her head in disagreement and tell me I didn't learn a damn thing from her. It was at this moment that I felt Alucard put his arm around my shoulders. I looked up at him – those two pools of red were now carefully studying me, his lips in a very neutral position so unlike his typical wide grin. I was crying – I didn't even notice I started to cry until now, but Alucard noticed right away. And for a moment I could pretend he cares. And so after a few days of bottling most of all I felt inside, acting brave and strong I let all the emotions wash over me as I held tight to Alucard's coat. Neither of us said a word as I cried silently into his waistcoat.


End file.
